The morning seems to pass unregistered
as I slowly start my day.
After a few hours of detailed work,
I’m tired, tense, and stressed
unable to do much of anything.
The few moments each day when I feel well enough
to do creative projects has disappeared,
consumed by low priority tasks.
Year after year, frustrated and depressed,
I push myself to do what I think others need me to do.
Feeling trapped by my love for family and friends,
I tell myself that these things must be done
and I am the only one who can do it.
I have no choice.
Torn by a longing to just collapse and be free,
if only for a short time,
from this oppressive load of details,
and wanting to avoid the pain, feel better, be cheerful,
and at least be able to do a few things I enjoy,
I half care for myself living a life of bursts and crashes.
Feeling open to endless demands,
I hide behind my illness.
Finally, in desperation,
I give up pleading with the Lord
to make my plans work,
and just listen.
I had been asking for the energy and time
to do all I thought I should do.
He is giving me the wisdom to know how to best
use my limited strength.
The Lord is helping me to accept
that I am ill and need to nurture myself.
He is helping me to understand that some things
don’t need doing,
that I need to simplify my life even more,
that I must delegate every detail possible,
that I must set realistic goals,
and, considering my limitations,
set firm boundaries on what I do for others.
I have eight supervisors to help me with visiting teaching.
My husband, a meticulous person,
is perfectly capable of doing most of the household tasks.
All I need to do is plan when and what needs to be done.