Lost - an introvert in a crowd

by Cheryl Merrick
Invited to a social
just to be a part of the crowd
invigorating the extroverts,
I feel lonely, tired, and lost.

I feel painfully invisible
amid the crowd.
I feel like the soft music of a wind chime
lost in the blaring of a band;
like a delicate pastel painting
washed out in harsh light; 
like hushed country twilight
disturbed by garish partying, 
like gentle candle glow
obliterated in flood lights.

My voice drowned out
by superficial chatter,
my identity is lost in the crowd. 

written April, 24, 2017

My "Healing"

by Cheryl Merrick

Viewing both my body and spirit as weak,
I endured poor health.

I prayed for decades to be healed,
only to finally realize that
the "healing" I wanted
would have meant changing
who I am, my very nature.

In great wisdom, the Lord,
instead, has led me
to see myself
as He does,
and to be what He knows
I can become.

As Intended

by Cheryl Merrick

I saw myself as weak,
abnormal, and defective,
when I couldn't do all
I felt was expected of me.

Now, seeing more clearly,
I realize that The Lord
has given me the gift of empathy.

As I denied this gift,
I pushed myself beyond my limits,
destroying my health.

It is time to finally accept who I am,
and, with realistic expectations,
become the light
I was intended to be.

The Key

by Cheryl Merrick
For 45 years, I pleaded to be be healed.
I tearfully begged.
I prayed, and even offered "deals",
promising service for health.

As the years dragged on,
I came to accept the Lord's
promise that though
He would not remove my problems,
He would help me cope with them.

Resigned to a life of chronic illness,
I tried to serve others from my home
through my writing, encouraging notes,
newspaper editing, tutoring children,
and sending answers to questions about lds.org.

Suddenly, a key appeared to my doorless room
and, realizing that both the door and the key
have always been there,
I walk out, whole, into health.

Fitting In

by Cheryl Merrick
Pushing and shoving,
I tried to force myself
into the prescribed mold;
"be outgoing",
"have an active lifestyle".

Assured that this is
the way to happiness,
I diligently persevered until,
stressed beyond my endurance,
I collapsed.

Why Wasn't I Healed?

by Cheryl Merrick
I pled for healing,
but it didn't happen.
I had children. They grew up,
and now I'm a grandmother.
Was I ever healed?

Yes, the Lord is making me whole,
but not by correcting some
defect in my body.
Instead, He is healing my soul,
by helping me understand
and accept who I am.

With this understanding,
I can set the limits I need,
avoid becoming over-stressed,
and, at last,
be healed.

I Made it!

by Cheryl Merrick
Stepping into the large hall,
I am bombarded by the
movement, noise, and feelings
of a multitude of people.

Tightening my muscles,
I will myself to stand still
and not bolt out of the room.

Seeing a couple of older women I know,
I make myself walk over
and chat for a few moments.

Why Did We Need to Move?

by Cheryl Merrick
For clean dry air to breathe
For a warmer winter
For not needing to shovel snow
For not worrying about slipping on ice
For not being snowed in during the winter
For sunshine and clear skies
For a newer, fresher, one floor home
For great cooling and insulation
For not having a floor which out-gassed or mold in the walls
For being able to paint our walls beautiful colors
For the kitchen we always wanted with pull out shelves
For good kitchen and home lighting
For a large pantry and laundry room
For a large master suite with an ample walk in closet
For a Great Room with high ceilings

Immovable

by Cheryl Merrick

Like waves endlessly crashing
upon the stone cliff,
the mother's relentless taunts
selfishly strive to pull her daughter,
and all that she has, out to sea - to her.

The Matriarch,
claiming that she has the "right" to all family resources,
and that it is her children's duty to meet her needs
and enable her to live in her "deserved" affluent lifestyle,
relentlessly pounds upon her daughter
trying to use the love and faith of her daughter
as weapons to enslave her.

A Red Christmas

by Cheryl Merrick

Trading snow for red sand,
shoveling the walk for hiking trails,
heavy coats for bright sweaters,
snow boots for hiking boots,
and putting lights on palm instead of pine trees,
my traditional White Christmas
has morphed into a rousing Red Christmas.*

*Christmas in the desert

The Empath

by Cheryl Merrick

Open to the energy around me
     I feel both others warmth and their joy,
     and their fears and anxiousness to be loved.

I cringe in pain
     when I see an animal hurt or
     a tree with a branch broken.

Cruelty, selfishness, and violence
     are incomprehensible to me.

Feeling others pain, suffering, and stress,
I yearn to heal them.

I Wish She Knew

by Cheryl Merrick

*I wish she knew the woman 
     who danced in the living room
           with the neighborhood children;
     who sailed across lakes and climbed mountains;
     who jogged in the mornings
           and daily ran up several flights of stairs;
     who took two babies to the zoo
           on a snowy New Year's Day
           and for a winter hot dog picnic at the lake;
      who baked cookies on rainy afternoons,
           and sang, explored, and rode a bike around town. 

She does not know the woman
     I am now;
     who walks a mile each morning before breakfast,
          then works in the yard;
     who goes into stores, to church,
          and manages her home;
     a person who enthusiastically approaches projects,
          and laughs.

*written August 2016 after moving to the desert; thinking of my youngest daughter who never saw me when I was younger and had better health

Back into the Snake Pit

by Cheryl Merrick

*Though grateful to be able to still
             take a deep breath
             care for myself
             and walk around a little,
I cringe as I sink back into
             the snake pit,
             as my old life envelops me.
Once again I am in its clutches
            suffering as it squeezes the breath out of me,
            leaving me dull and dazed,
            with my head reeling in pain,
            my body exhausted,
            my mind muddled,
            and my spirit depressed.

In the pit I huddle,
            helpless and imprisoned,
            confined, once again, to my home,
            my independence dissolving
            as I am left a blankly staring lump.

*October 2016 I collapsed back into adrenal exhaustion after months of moving stress, the stress of trying to sell our old home, and the physical stress of falling on my face on cement

Doing Well

by Cheryl Merrick

Realizing that scripture study
had become merely another "should"
to be checked off on her list,
the woman prays asking to have
the Holy Ghost with her,
as she focuses instead on
becoming closer to
Heavenly Father and His Son.

Though she longs to have time
to quietly sit at her desk
thoughtfully considering
each verse of scripture,
in the few still moments
when she is not rushing
to meet someone's needs,
she ponders a verse,
and, feeling The Spirit,
is reassured that
she is doing well.

Impressed

by Cheryl Merrick

When we met at college
I noted as you unselfishly
enabled the women on your co-ed
volleyball team to score.
You stood out from the other men 
who grabbed and pushed
as they sought to show off
their prowess.

I watched when you shared your car and skills
by giving people rides to the city
and by teaching a genealogy class.
So when you asked me out,
I enthusiastically said, "Yes!"