Reformation

by Cheryl Merrick

I. Accepting reality
Doomed to endlessly repeat my actions, 
like in the movie, Groundhog Day, 
until I "get it right,"
I reluctantly acknowledge that 
I must accept reality.

What must I accept?

I'm Here At Last!

by Cheryl Merrick
Though, it has taken six months; 
the fog has finally lifted.
The constant, crushing fatigue is abating.
No longer am I stumbling around:
dopy, confused, and jittery.

Relishing the ability to think, 
 remember, see, and move; 
 I care for myself.
Hopeful that my hard earned
 ability to make competent decisions
 will ensure continued health;
 I face each day. 

What Do I Long For?

by Cheryl Merrick
I long for time to rest, 
time to think and ponder,
and time to enjoy nature.

I long for time
 to build relationships,
 with God, my family,
 and with friends.

I long for time to grow,
time to study, write,  
and care for myself.

I long for time to serve,
time to tend grandchildren,
time to send encouraging notes,
and time do family history.

Most of all,
I long to be still
and have the time 
to live a simple life. 

Simple Lessons

by Cheryl Merrick
Some lessons are simple:
"You can't take more
out of a bucket,
than you put into it",
and "You can't reap what 
you have not sown."

Logically I understand,
but when it comes to
patiently and slowly
filling my bucket,
or carefully sowing
and nurturing my field,
my understanding vanishes.

My "Healing"

by Cheryl Merrick

Viewing both my body and spirit as weak,
I endured poor health.

I prayed for decades to be healed,
only to finally realize that
the "healing" I wanted
would have meant changing
who I am, my very nature.

In great wisdom, the Lord,
instead, has led me
to see myself
as He does,
and to be what He knows
I can become.

The Key

by Cheryl Merrick
For 45 years, I pleaded to be be healed.
I tearfully begged.
I prayed, and even offered "deals",
promising service for health.

As the years dragged on,
I came to accept the Lord's
promise that though
He would not remove my problems,
He would help me cope with them.

Resigned to a life of chronic illness,
I tried to serve others from my home
through my writing, encouraging notes,
newspaper editing, tutoring children,
and sending answers to questions about lds.org.

Suddenly, a key appeared to my doorless room
and, realizing that both the door and the key
have always been there,
I walk out, whole, into health.

I Wish She Knew

by Cheryl Merrick

*I wish she knew the woman 
     who danced in the living room
           with the neighborhood children;
     who sailed across lakes and climbed mountains;
     who jogged in the mornings
           and daily ran up several flights of stairs;
     who took two babies to the zoo
           on a snowy New Year's Day
           and for a winter hot dog picnic at the lake;
      who baked cookies on rainy afternoons,
           and sang, explored, and rode a bike around town. 

She does not know the woman
     I am now;
     who walks a mile each morning before breakfast,
          then works in the yard;
     who goes into stores, to church,
          and manages her home;
     a person who enthusiastically approaches projects,
          and laughs.

*written August 2016 after moving to the desert; thinking of my youngest daughter who never saw me when I was younger and had better health

Back into the Snake Pit

by Cheryl Merrick

*Though grateful to be able to still
             take a deep breath
             care for myself
             and walk around a little,
I cringe as I sink back into
             the snake pit,
             as my old life envelops me.
Once again I am in its clutches
            suffering as it squeezes the breath out of me,
            leaving me dull and dazed,
            with my head reeling in pain,
            my body exhausted,
            my mind muddled,
            and my spirit depressed.

In the pit I huddle,
            helpless and imprisoned,
            confined, once again, to my home,
            my independence dissolving
            as I am left a blankly staring lump.

*October 2016 I collapsed back into adrenal exhaustion after months of moving stress, the stress of trying to sell our old home, and the physical stress of falling on my face on cement

Who Am I?

by Cheryl Merrick

Am I only this weak wimp
standing with refrigerator door open,
feet growing cold,
as the questions
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
take on new meaning?

Am I the dull witted soul
who can’t think, plan, or remember?

Am I really a submissive sweetly
who can’t make decisions
and therefore docilely follows others.

Am I more than a blob
who sits and stares unblinkingly,
occasionally shuffling into another room
only to sit and stare again?

Am I so incompetent
that I must be taken care of
as you would a young child?

Who Am I Really?

(later I found out I was suffering from adrenal exhaustion)

What Do I Really Need?

by Cheryl Merrick

How can I maintain my quiet life
when I am out in the world again?
Will I be able to say “No”
to the many pleas for help?
Can I meet everyone’s needs?
Can I nurture them
without hurting me?
Am I trying to do for others
what they should be doing for themselves?
Am I hindering their growth
by solving their problems for them?
What limits must I set?

Melody and Refrain

by Cheryl Merrick

Like old forgotten refrains
Memories of a past life
Softly touch my mind

Memories of a young woman
Who laughed, danced, and played,
Who weekly invited people over for dinner,
And took two toddlers to the zoo
On a snowy New Years Day

This woman had become forgotten
In the ensewing years of pain and constant illness
Now I marvel at meeting her again
A bit older, more confident, and wiser
An old refrain with a new melody

Inner Balance

by Cheryl Merrick

Making sure I never become tired,
while maintaining circulation and strength,
I carefully move between activity and rest.

Preserving a fine balance
between necessary care and spiritual nurturing,
I swing between housekeep tasks and scripture study,
between serving others and replenishing my stores,
between creativity and implementation .

Finally, with confidence and assurance
I have learned to follow
My Inner Balance.

I Choose

by Cheryl Merrick

To come to the earth
To listen to intuitive thoughts
To relate personally, in depth
To be a member of the Church
To have faith in the purpose of life

To be married
To be a mother
To be a homemaker
To have a clean, orderly home
To manage and decorate our home
To live in Utah

Directives

by Cheryl Merrick

I’m not to go the BYU ward,
     but to our home ward.
I’m to build relationships with
     family, friends, and ward sisters.
I’m only to go to school
     one afternoon a week.
I am to do the Visiting Teaching report
     minimally.
My exercise is to be moderate
     and my medication sufficient.

Course Correction

by Cheryl Merrick

Pressured, just responding
to others demands,
I struggled through each day
trying to carve out a place
 for myself in society
as a respected teacher and
responsible church leader

 Living a half life,
     foggy, tired, and confused,
I finally collapsed.

Best Help

by Cheryl Merrick

I thought I could help best
by doing the things he valued,
So I weeded and shopped
until I dropped.

Soon it became evident
that my small accomplishments
were requiring all my energy
leaving me in a fog of exhaustion
for the remainder of the day.

Changes

by Cheryl Merrick

A couple months ago
     My life was spent in my recliner.
A couple loads of laundry
      and an hour or two at the computer
Completing my day.

Now I’m a world traveler!
(at least the part as far east as Ohio,
     and south to Oklahoma)
I’m living in a hotel,
     Visiting with strangers
And eating out.

My narrow world is
     Opening up.
Possibilities surround me.
What will I do with
     My newly emerging health?
Teach, travel, read, visit, serve,
     Run errands, cook, write,
     do research?
Choices. Changes
What will I choose?

Accounting

by Cheryl Merrick

Knowing the place makes me ill,
I go there anyway.
Knowing the activity tires me,
I still persist in doing it,
Ever hoping that,
“I’m better now.”

Time passes as
Wishes slowly obscure reality,
til at last,
the debt accrued
in my days of excess,
finally, becomes painfully due.

That Is Best

by Cheryl Merrick

Too busy to rest.
I thought I knew best
     til on the floor,
I cried, “No more!”

Now a new start I have,
     and if out of bed
     I wish to stay,
then each mid-day
     rest I must,
and stop each time I tire.

So to be good I should
     allow plenty of time for rest,
and that is best.

Peace At Last

by Cheryl Merrick

A nagging feeling that
things are not right in my life.
A sense of unrest.
An unsettling awareness that something is wrong.

Accepting my need to rest,
I knew I only had ten hours to do all I wanted.
Of these hours, half are needed to care for myself--
food, exercise, meds, rest, and scripture study.
The other five hours were needed to do LDS.org feedback,
family history, study and write.
Fifteen minutes of each hour must be unscheduled time
and include all detailed work.
Time gone.