by Cheryl Merrick
I thought my husband wouldn’t want to do it.
I thought it was all my responsibility,
and feared failing in my duty if I didn’t do everything myself.
Pridefully, I thought only I could keep up our home;
that only I knew what needed to be done and how to do it.
Filled with a desire to feel competent, independent,
in control of my life, and needed,
I despairingly compared my efforts
with all the cumulative accomplishments of other women.
Desperately wanting to do it all,
I told myself that I could do it.
So day after day,
refusing to deal with the reality of my serious health problems,
I pushed myself til I collapsed.
Now, when I attempt to do something, the words,
“Let him handle it”, whisper in my mind.
As I stop and let go,
I’m becoming more relaxed,
our home is being run more efficiently,
I’m feeling less stressed and have move energy,
and not only do I have the time to write and study,
but I am feeling happier.
Instead of viewing my husband’s comments as criticisms,
I coming to appreciate and rely on his counsel.
With new respect, I am developing a strong trust in his advice.
I am seeing how his detailed perspective
plugs the holes in my whole picture.
As I’m accepting that preforming details is what he does well,
while it is my area of greatest weakness,
I’m finally appreciating how his abilities balance mine.
I’m seeing that my frustration of not being able to achieve
impossible standards has not been from him,
or society, but from me.
He has never expected me to be anyone, but myself.
He never demanded, or needed me to endlessly perform details.
I felt chained to the drudgery of housework, but I forged the chains.
I made my life needlessly complicated.
I refused to delegate or ask for help.
I choose to make my life miserable.
Instead of ignoring his advice to do less,
while continuing to incessantly complain about my tiredness,
I am now allowing him to help me.
No longer blinded by my frantic drive to do all,
I am clearly seeing what I have been doing.
I am seeing how much my husband loves me
and am astounded at how patient he has been with me.
No longer do I feel that everything
must be done right now, perfectly, by me.
In fact, many things don’t need to be done at all.
I am seeing that my unrealistic expectations
have been causing much of my stress and illness.
My drive to complete the whole,
to accomplish all the details before I relax,
has caused me to foolishly waste my energies
on things of lesser importance
while neglecting eternal relationships.
Finally, humbled, I’m also beginning to acknowledge
that I really can’t do it all myself,
and I don’t need to.
I am now able to see what my pride and insecurities obscured,
and accept the Lord’s will in my life
acknowledging that He can make more of my life than I can.
I’m experiencing greater happiness as I use my time,
energies, and talents as He sees best.
At last, I am feeling peace as I accept His perspective and wisdom.
I now see that I do not need to carry
such a heavy load and push myself constantly.
I can let it go.