Rewriting My Life- a Year with Cancer

by Cheryl Merrick

Promising what was not mine to give,

I assured my preschool granddaughter

that I would be at her wedding someday,

till on my seventy first birthday,

I learned that I had cancer.

As I was given just three months to live,

all my dreams of spending the next

twenty years with my family,

dissolved as my tears washed away

my "script" for my life,

preparing me for a new and better "script".

Living from the Inside Out

by Cheryl Merrick

Tapping from deep within,

I feel a warmth, a peace,

a surety of what is right,

true, and real forever.

I sense a knowledge of

what is right for me

to do at that moment.

This is a strength

which can not come

from "to-do" lists,

or from other's opinions,

but comes from within me,

like a bell that rings true. 

It is my anchor to truth,

to the great "big picture",

to what was, is, and will be.

It is more than an emotional feeling.

It is more than reasoned logic.

It is a knowing

that comes from deep within

as I listen to the Spirit

and allow myself to live 

from the inside out.

 

Turning 70

by Cheryl Merrick

Seventy seemed sooo old

when I was a child.

Now, it seems sooo long ago

when I naively determined 

that I would never "let"

myself become old.

Youth and middle age have long passed

til here I am a "senior" complete with 

crinkled skin and frail health,

but also with a more loving heart 

softened by the things I have suffered.

Slowly over the years, 

the abrasion caused by 

each sorrow and challenge

has worked to polish my soul. 

Lessons to Learn

by Cheryl Merrick

Once again, I'm sitting here 

exhausted, sad, and frustrated.

My body's reserves gone,

I wonder how I can 

avoid "crashing" again.

What must I change?

What lessons do I need to learn?

Why do I push myself?

Letting Go

by Cheryl Merrick

The time has come
for letting go
of hopes, dreams,
and yearnings
for a relationship
which can not be
in this life.

The time has come
for letting go 
of old lingering hurts,
for ending the manipulation,
and for ceasing to enable 
another to demean me.

Making Whole

by Cheryl Merrick

Though I sorrow 
for the prison you are in
and know you did not choose it,
I am powerless to release you.

Only by opening the door
to Him who stands and knocks
can you be freed.

Only He has the power
to make you whole 
and heal your broken
heart and mind.

I'm Here At Last!

by Cheryl Merrick
Though, it has taken six months; 
the fog has finally lifted.
The constant, crushing fatigue is abating.
No longer am I stumbling around:
dopy, confused, and jittery.

Relishing the ability to think, 
 remember, see, and move; 
 I care for myself.
Hopeful that my hard earned
 ability to make competent decisions
 will ensure continued health;
 I face each day. 

Simple Lessons

by Cheryl Merrick
Some lessons are simple:
"You can't take more
out of a bucket,
than you put into it",
and "You can't reap what 
you have not sown."

Logically I understand,
but when it comes to
patiently and slowly
filling my bucket,
or carefully sowing
and nurturing my field,
my understanding vanishes.

Grateful for Weaknesses

by Cheryl Merrick

Blessed with an astounding intuitive ability
to see and foresee patterns of human behavior, 
I feel humbly grateful.

Preferring intuition over sensing
also makes me astoundingly weak
in handling the many details of life.

This weakness has brought me 
tears, frustration, embarrassment, 
and finally to my knees 
humbly begging God for His help
in coping with the small things
that others do so easily.

Truly Over

by Cheryl Merrick

I moaned and yearned
for what I didn't have.
Resigning myself to
a lonely existence in my home,
I sorrowed for my lost
health and opportunities.
Oh, how I wanted to hike and dance.
I longed for a newer home
with lovely cabinets.

Being nearly 70,
my life was set.
Or was it?

Shining Brightly

by Cheryl Merrick

Afraid of appearing different,
I pause,
tempted to cover my light
with a politically correct basket.
I look up. 
As I do so, 
reflecting the Savior's great light,
my small light shines brightly,
its glow merging with the glow 
from myriads of others
who light the path home.

My "Healing"

by Cheryl Merrick

Viewing both my body and spirit as weak,
I endured poor health.

I prayed for decades to be healed,
only to finally realize that
the "healing" I wanted
would have meant changing
who I am, my very nature.

In great wisdom, the Lord,
instead, has led me
to see myself
as He does,
and to be what He knows
I can become.

The Key

by Cheryl Merrick
For 45 years, I pleaded to be be healed.
I tearfully begged.
I prayed, and even offered "deals",
promising service for health.

As the years dragged on,
I came to accept the Lord's
promise that though
He would not remove my problems,
He would help me cope with them.

Resigned to a life of chronic illness,
I tried to serve others from my home
through my writing, encouraging notes,
newspaper editing, tutoring children,
and sending answers to questions about lds.org.

Suddenly, a key appeared to my doorless room
and, realizing that both the door and the key
have always been there,
I walk out, whole, into health.

Why Wasn't I Healed?

by Cheryl Merrick
I pled for healing,
but it didn't happen.
I had children. They grew up,
and now I'm a grandmother.
Was I ever healed?

Yes, the Lord is making me whole,
but not by correcting some
defect in my body.
Instead, He is healing my soul,
by helping me understand
and accept who I am.

With this understanding,
I can set the limits I need,
avoid becoming over-stressed,
and, at last,
be healed.

Why Did We Need to Move?

by Cheryl Merrick
For clean dry air to breathe
For a warmer winter
For not needing to shovel snow
For not worrying about slipping on ice
For not being snowed in during the winter
For sunshine and clear skies
For a newer, fresher, one floor home
For great cooling and insulation
For not having a floor which out-gassed or mold in the walls
For being able to paint our walls beautiful colors
For the kitchen we always wanted with pull out shelves
For good kitchen and home lighting
For a large pantry and laundry room
For a large master suite with an ample walk in closet
For a Great Room with high ceilings

Doing Well

by Cheryl Merrick

Realizing that scripture study
had become merely another "should"
to be checked off on her list,
the woman prays asking to have
the Holy Ghost with her,
as she focuses instead on
becoming closer to
Heavenly Father and His Son.

Though she longs to have time
to quietly sit at her desk
thoughtfully considering
each verse of scripture,
in the few still moments
when she is not rushing
to meet someone's needs,
she ponders a verse,
and, feeling The Spirit,
is reassured that
she is doing well.

Misfortune or Blessing?

by Cheryl Merrick

As the kind words, and sympathy
about our "hard times" arrive,
we are surprised.
Yes, we have had five surgeries in five months
(3 for me and 2 for my husband),
but we are grateful for them
and feel that the Lord is blessing us.

Knowing that we have come
to earth to learn and grow
from our experiences,
we do not expect the Lord
to prove His love for us
by removing the normal affects of aging.

Two Men Facing Death

by Cheryl Merrick

Knowing the end is near,
one man sits blankly in his chair,
his eyes looking hopelessly
out into nothingness.

His wife withdraws
consumed by fears
of soon becoming
"just a widow".

As the other man's friends and family
gather to say goodbye,
his eyes twinkle
as he lovingly shares
these last moments of his life.

Second Chance

by Cheryl Merrick

Who would have thought,
after 50 years of illness,
that I would have a second chance?

Instead of being confined to my home
with headaches, nauseousness,
achiness, and extreme fatigue,
most days I'm out walking.

No longer am I restricted
to a few rooms in my home,
but roam hillsides and parks.

New Sight

by Cheryl Merrick

Eye surgery complete
and eye patch securely in place,
I went to bed.
A new world greeted me
when the patch was removed 
in the the morning.
A world where images
  focused clear and true
 into the distance.