Listening to the Lord

by Cheryl Merrick

The morning seems to pass unregistered

as I slowly start my day.

After a few hours of detailed work,

I’m tired, tense, and stressed

unable to do much of anything.

The few moments each day when I feel well enough 

to do creative projects has disappeared,

consumed by low priority tasks.

Year after year, frustrated and depressed,

I push myself to do what I think others need me to do. 

Feeling trapped by my love for family and friends,

I tell myself that these things must be done

and I am the only one who can do it.

I have no choice.

Torn by a longing to just collapse and be free,

if only for a short time, 

from this oppressive load of details,

and wanting to avoid the pain, feel better, be cheerful,

and at least be able to do a few things I enjoy,

I half care for myself; living a life of bursts and crashes.

Feeling open to endless demands,

I hide behind my illness. 

Finally, in desperation,

I give up pleading with the Lord

to make my plans work,

and just listen.

I had been asking for the energy and time

to do all I thought I should do.

He is giving me the wisdom to know how to best

use my limited strength.

The Lord is helping me to accept 

that I am ill and need to nurture myself.

He is helping me to understand that some things

don’t need doing,

that I need to simplify my life even more,

that I must delegate every detail possible,

that I must set realistic goals,

and, considering my limitations,

set firm boundaries on what I do for others. 

I have eight supervisors to help me with visiting teaching.

My husband, a meticulous person,

is perfectly capable of doing most of the household tasks.

All I need to do is plan when and what needs to be done,
and listen to the Lord.